Following on from the  successful reading of member Gwyneth Hughes's work at Carr's Irish pub, that some of you enjoyed recently, Gwyneth has very generously allowed us to publish one of her one act plays on the SOAF website. The picture is by that other much valued member, Graham Tullis

THEATRICS by gwyneth hughes

CHARACTERS:

PAUL,                        45, a well- to-do businessman.

KAREN,             45. She has obviously been wealthy all her life.

SETTING: A hotel room. A bottle of champagne and two glasses are on a coffee table.

AT RISE: PAUL is alone, waiting for someone. There is a knock at the door. He goes to open it and is surprised to see Karen. She enters.

PAUL

Karen?

KAREN

I warned you someday I’d surprise you.

PAUL

I didn’t believe you.

KAREN

That was a mistake.

PAUL

It’s not my first mistake where you’re concerned.

KAREN

Nor probably your last.

PAUL

Would you care for a drink?

KAREN

You turn our meeting into a party. As if I was some new girlfriend you haven’t yet had time to hump.

PAUL

How would you prefer that I act?

KAREN

As if I was a wife you still loved.

PAUL

Must we go through that again?

KAREN

I can’t bear…

PAUL

I know!

KAREN

You know, but you don’t care. I could die a hundred times--

PAUL

Yes, you probably could!

KAREN

You talk as if suicide was a game.

PAUL

You act as if it was a game.

KAREN

I never pretended, Paul. I wanted to die.

PAUL

Then why didn’t you?

KAREN

You’re a monster.

PAUL

No. I’m your husband, Karen. Your weary husband.

KAREN

You’re no longer my husband. You’re too unfaithful to be called a husband.

PAUL

I’m still your legal spouse.

KAREN

What happened to our marriage, Paul? Wasn’t ours a good marriage at the start?

PAUL

Yes, it was. A very good marriage. As marriages go…

KAREN

But ours went?

PAUL

You went. I loved another Karen, witty, intelligent, refined…

KAREN

And who do you love now? A girl who comes here to get laid? Naked, willing, lips moist, nipples erect, thighs apart, here, on this bed.

(She goes to the bed and shakes it rhythmically. PAUL twists her arm roughly.)

PAUL

Stop it!

(She winces. He lets go of her arm.)

KAREN

How many other women have been in this hotel room with you?

PAUL

I thought you paid a detective for that information. But in case he gave you the runaround, the exact number is three.

KAREN

Why? Why?

PAUL

I don’t know why. I found them… restful.

KAREN

Restful? That’s an incongruous word to describe an illicit love affair.

PAUL

Restful from a wife who is only out to get attention. Pity. My pity. Your son’s pity. Your parents’ pity. Anybody’s pity. Anyone who glances in your direction with a mild air of compassion does the trick.

KAREN

Because you never look in any direction but your own.

PAUL

Attempted suicide, in a situation like ours, is sheer blackmail.

KAREN

Attempted suicide? Or murder by proxy? The first time, you were too smart for your own good in rushing me to the hospital, so you had to torture me into doing it again.

PAUL

And the second time I made sure I wasn’t anywhere nearby, is that it?

KAREN

Yes. That’s it. It’s safer to kill a person through adultery than to pull the trigger yourself. If you wait long enough, they do the dirty work for you.

PAUL

How submissive you act! It’s revolting. All this womanish self-pity. If you want to die, hold your head up in front of the firing squad without a blindfold.

KAREN

You could kill me now, couldn’t you?

PAUL

Yes, I could.

(He pulls her toward the window.)

Why not? It would be easy. I push you out the window and tell everyone you jumped on your own. God knows, you’ve proclaimed loud and clear enough times that you were going to put an end to your own life. It would be a perfect crime. I could get away with murder.

(He stops.)

But I won’t.

KAREN

Why not? Have I earned your pity at last?

PAUL

You have only earned my …

(searching for the word)

… indifference. I don’t give a damn anymore about you, Karen. I don’t care how it ends, just as long as it’s over.

KAREN

Is everything over?

PAUL

(looking at his watch)

I hope this conversation is over.

KAREN

I mean us. Are we finished?

PAUL

Of course. You always ask questions when you know the answer. You also know I love no one else.

KAREN

Then I’d die for nothing?

PAUL

Exactly.

KAREN

Or if you died? That would be for nothing too?

(Behind Paul’s back, KAREN takes a gun from her pocket and dissimulates it against her side.)

PAUL

I have no intention of dying. Especially for nothing.

KAREN

Then it has to be me?

PAUL

If someone must die, then, yes, it’s you.

KAREN

More wishful thinking on your part.

PAUL

I’d have nothing to gain from your death.

KAREN

As things stand…

PAUL

Your money? You still believe I married you for your money?

KAREN

It helped.

PAUL

Of course it helped. Money always helps. That’s what it’s made for. But I’d gladly go barefoot for the rest of my life than live the way we do any longer.

KAREN

You have to be careful in this world what you want, because it’s usually what you get.

PAUL

You’re willing to divorce me?

KAREN

I was referring to your wish to walk on alone with bare feet.

PAUL

I’m well established now.

KAREN

Are you? Even if I sold everything that’s in my name?

PAUL

(aghast)

You wouldn’t do that?

KAREN

Why wouldn’t I?

PAUL

You’d lose a fortune.

KAREN

I’d still have enough for shoes.

PAUL

Karen… you’re joking.

KAREN

Joking?

(pointing the gun at PAUL.)

Do you call this a joke? You’ve tormented me. Do you know what torment means? It’s something that twists everything out of shape. Nothing is the same. Never ever the same. The whole world is distorted. Hideous.

PAUL

Let’s stop here and have a drink.

KAREN

A drink?

PAUL

I propose a toast.

KAREN

A toast? To my misery?

PAUL

No. To a new beginning. For us both. Together. Our reunion. The years of happiness still ahead of us as a couple. No more infidelities for me. No more spectacular death scenes for you. I stay faithful. You stay alive.

KAREN

And we both stay rich?

PAUL

I suppose that is the long and short of it.

KAREN

You make it sound so easy.

PAUL

It is easy. If we make up our minds to succeed.

KAREN

Succeed? Succeed at what? For what?

PAUL

For a happy end.

KAREN

How happy?

PAUL

Happy enough. Enough to still enjoy seeing our son, our parents, our friends. Take trips. Enjoy our money.

KAREN

Together.

PAUL

Eat good meals. Read good books. Go to the theater. Go to concerts. Go to museums.

KAREN

I had all this before I walked in here with a gun. I said it was meaningless. I said it wasn’t enough.

PAUL

You were wrong.

KAREN

Yes. Perhaps. But it’s too late now.

PAUL

It’s never too late for a fresh start.

KAREN

A fresh start? You know as well as I do that we’re both about to die. You. Me.

PAUL

In that order?

KAREN

I’m the one who has the gun.

PAUL

Won’t someone hear the gunshot when you fire it?

KAREN

They’ll take it for the uncorking of a bottle of champagne.

PAUL

Okay. You have a gun. You aim it at me but you’re paralyzed with emotion. You don’t dare pull the trigger.

KAREN

So you hit me on the head with the champagne bottle, drag me to the window, and push me out. You intend to tell everyone I jumped of my own free will.

PAUL

I try to push you out. You resist. You still hold the gun.

KAREN

I pull the trigger.

PAUL

I’m wounded. Wounded enough not to be able to crawl to the door. Wounded enough not to be able to call for help. Wounded enough to slowly bleed to death.

KAREN

I manage to stagger to the bed before I lose consciousness.

PAUL

We’ll be saved.

(He looks again at his watch.)

My girlfriend will arrive on time. She’ll knock. She’ll rattle to door handle. She’ll be surprised when I don’t answer.

KAREN

She’ll think you don’t want to see her and she’ll leave.

(There is a knock at the door.)

PAUL

If I call to her for help…

KAREN

(in a firm voice, holding the gun with both hands aimed at Paul’s chest)

Don’t answer!

(There is another knock, and the door handle rattles. Then silence.)

PAUL

She’ll notify the hotel receptionist that something strange is going on up here.

KAREN

No, she won’t. She’ll leave, without a word to the receptionist.

PAUL

That will be your version of the events. Now I give you my version of the events. My version goes this way: You shoot me first. I’m wounded but I have enough strength to hit you on the head with the champagne bottle. I grab the gun away from you and stumble to the window.

KAREN

The window? Why the window?

PAUL

To throw the gun out into the street. To call for help.

KAREN

But you don’t. You can’t. You collapse on the floor in front of the window with the gun beside you.

PAUL

While you manage to stumble to the bed.

KAREN

Where I faint. The maid finds our bodies the next day, me on the bed, you on the floor in front of the window

PAUL

It’s your word against mine, so to speak.

KAREN

What does it matter? We’ll both be dead.

PAUL

It will matter to our son, to our parents. They’ll want to know which one was the aggressor, guilty of murder, and which one was the victim, simply acting in self-defence.

KAREN

Each one can use their own version.

PAUL

Shall we have that drink now?

KAREN

With a toast?

PAUL

To a new tomorrow.

KAREN

Together.

(PAUL holds the champagne bottle like a club. KAREN faces him, still pointing the gun in his direction. There is a long pause.)

PAUL

Go ahead, dear. The next line is yours.

(There is a knock at the door.)

The End.